George and Mildred and Me

When two or more gays meet for the first time, the conversation always quickly comes round to two topics: when did you realise you were gay, and what's your coming out story. Only the first of these falls within the remit of the Memory Project:

The question of When did you realise you are gay? is for me more a question of When did you first know what it means to be gay?, as I was demonstrating an interest in the gentlemen long before I either knew what that meant or understood that it was (back then) largely frowned upon. My earliest crush was probably Elliot, the boy from ET, who struck me as the sort of handsome, go-getting young man I'd like to spend my life with, and who also spent a lot of time wearing figure-hugging jammies (It should be noted that I was only six, which is one of the few times it's acceptable to lust after an 11-year-old boy).

Looking back with hindsight, I realise the gayness had been manifesting itself long before the age of six. I remember undressing my action men to see them in their swimming trunks and feeling all warm and happy by doing so (the other boys preferred to play violent war games with them). It simply didn't occur to me that this was a significant difference from the other boys, and of course my best friends around this time were John How (he of the Feelers' Club) and Alistair Howtown, both of whom were benders, and so despite the fact I hated football - and loved dressing up and playing happy families with Alistair and his soft toys - I never really twigged that this was remotely unusual.

When I was around nine years old, I started hearing the word "gay" in school, and understood only that it was a swear word bandied around in the same context as "spazz". I was very confused, then, when sitting on the floor by the fireplace watching an episode of George & Mildred with my family. The story climaxed when Mildred announced she was in love with her new lodger, and the lodger pretended to be gay to avoid her advances (purists may note it was Series 2's The Travelling Man, first aired in November 1977).

I couldn't fathom why someone would pretend to be "gay" when that was something which - to my mind - was as undesirable as being a "spazz".

"Mummy" I asked after mulling this over, "what does gay mean?"

My brother was shocked, and scalded me for using a rude word in front of our mother; however, my mum realised that a senisble approach was required and explained that, "When a man is 'gay', he's suffering from a disorder where he's attracted to other men rather than women. It's a shame and it's wrong, but that's how it is."

I knew instantly that this applied to me, and suddenly a major dichotomy ripped through my world where I hadn't previously known to even look for one. Worse still, I realised that it wasn't just the children in the playground who thought gays were bad news, even my mum had said it was wrong.

I knew then I'd have to keep absolutely quiet about this gay thing, and I got so used to doing it over the years that I didn't even think to come out once I'd got to university.


In fairness to my mom, I should probably note that I recounted this story to her when I was 26 and she had no memory of it, but was horrified and extremely concerned that she might have broken my entire childhood and derailed my adult development. Of course, times have changed and she now has nothing against the gays, and is very fond of Paul.